G.I. Joe Retaliation – Knowing is half the battle! Column by John Earle

Yes I am. I went and saw it and 9 people have asked me if I was going to review it. (It’s great to know 9 people read my reviews)So for those who are totally lost I am reviewing G.I. Joe Retaliation, 3D. My article begins with the catchphrase from the cartoon version in the 80s, which was “knowing is half the battle; Yo Joe!”

So let’s begin with the ground rules. Yes this film won’t win any Academy Awards. And no, this won’t likely be going into my top 20 favorite movies of all times. Also, for the ladies out there, you see about as much of Channing Tatum in the trailer as you do in the actual movie.

We begin about a year after Cobra Commander and Destro get caught, and all the king’s horse and all the king’s men are trying to remove all the nanites from the Baroness’ head. Unfortunately Ripcord (Marlon Wayans) was not asked to reprise his role in the sequel. Yes I was very upset. (please infer sarcasm)

We have a group of Joes out on a dangerous mission retrieving a hostage and we get introduced to the three new main characters Lady Jaye (Adrianne Palicki) Flint (DJ Cotrona) and Roadblock (Dwayne “the Rock” Johnson). Now they are ambushed, by Zartan (Arnold Vosloo) who is disguised as the President and all the Joes but 4 are killed. [side note: in the cartoon Zartan has long brown hair, and wears a black mask – Vosloo is bald.]

The film continues then with the team returning to Roadblock’s roots, and trying to figure out why the president had them eliminated, while enlisting the help of General Joseph Colton (Bruce Willis). Meanwhile on the other side of the globe, Snake Eyes (Ray Park – not that it matters you never see or hear him) is trying to capture and bring to justice Storm Shadow. Yes, the cheesy lines from the trailer are actually in the movie (I was shocked), and I have no real clue why they got Bruce Willis to play the role of General Colton, but hey, I’m not a casting director.

I think something that I wasn’t expecting was Firefly (Ray Stevenson). They did this character so very well. They introduce another new bad guy, just like they did in the cartoon. Where the bad guy, comes in to rescue the evil commander, and he’s set-up like a hero…just bad!

All this to say GI Joe wasn’t a great movie. And I loved it. Are you confused? It was a really good trip back down memory lane for a kid who watched the cartoon in the 80s, and remembers playing with the dolls..I mean ACTION FIGURES! They stayed true to the formula that worked on the TV show. And for my money, and the other $40Million it brought in opening weekend, it worked on the big screen too!

Lastly, 3D usually doesn’t excite me at all. Especially when it’s not IMAX 3D. This time, they got it perfect. Stuff was flying at you, bullets went whizzing by your head, and Dwayne Johnson’s triceps almost knocked you out of your seat.

If you’re between the ages of 30-50 and want to geek out like I did, go see G.I. Joe. Oh and yes, Cobra gets away in the end, of course.

That’s it for me. See you at Oblivion in theatres next week!