Triggers

recently attended a meeting where a song was played, a beautiful and powerful song. While it elicited very strong emotions in myself, sadly for another woman, it was a trigger, to the point where she thought she was going to pass out. We were quick to help her, acknowledging her pain and showing empathy for her. We then decided not to use this song in any of our trainings going forward … just in case.

I told a friend about what had happened, and was unhappily surprised by the response I got. While at the time, the response bothered me a little, it was not until I was alone with my own thoughts that I realized how troubled I was about that response. He said that it now meant that we were going to have to ask what everyone’s triggers were before we allowed to even talk. No! That is not what this means, but we must increase our own awareness that not every person has lived the same life as we have, and that means we must be ready to show empathy towards those who have suffered some form of trauma, maybe different from ours, but real and deeply painful to them.

I deal with many people who have been through a lot of stuff like myself, or maybe not the same stuff, and certainly not the same experience regardless, and I am always trying to be careful that I don’t presume ‘to know’ what it means to them.

I went to see a movie, A Man Called Otto, and while sitting there, it was my wife who realized that it was going to possibly trigger me, lovingly asking me if I wanted to leave. I said “No” but nearly walked out a couple of times. The movie dealt with suicide and closely mirrored my life in so many ways. My wife showed empathy and love, not disdain for someone who was actively reliving some of the worst times of his life.

Until you have walked in my shoes, or in the shoes of other people who have suffered and are suffering still, you have no right to speak of how we should ‘just get over it’ or how our suffering is somehow curbing your ‘freedom to speak.’

Maybe it’s time to look inwards, like I did, and find the reasons why you lack empathy, and have only disdain. We are not all the same. Maybe someday you will hear a song or a sound, or smell a scent that will trigger something deeply painful within you, and then you might better understand. Maybe you won’t ever understand. Maybe you don’t care as long as it doesn’t affect you, and how sad is that! I was not allowed to cry when my mother died, but about six months after she had died, a song came on the radio and finally, I broke down and cried like I had never be allowed to do before … a trigger and such a release. We all have the possibility of practicing empathy, though. Having bumped our heads or stubbed our toes, these can trigger us to at least show some empathy for that other. Then we can work on ‘upping the ante’ and practice empathy on a deeper, more meaningful scale … though admittedly stubbing your toe on the edge of the furniture is deeply painful!

Stephen Douris, March 2025 ©