The Inner Work of Aging

One would think that at a certain age, the inner work of learning about self and our place in the world would end. Enough already! However, this has not been my experience and I have come to the conclusion that learning will continue until my ashes are sprinkled beneath some tree.

A few weeks ago, I was introduced to a book by psychologist Connie Zweig entitled The Inner Work of Age: Shifting from Role to Soul. In recent years I have not been attracted to books requiring self- examination and reflection, having read almost every self-help book written in my younger years, however this one caught my attention. I have been wondering about this time in my life, the meaning of the ‘third act’ if you will, and what it really means to be older in a youth-oriented society.

It is this youth orientation that thrusts many of us into denial regarding our age, hating to admit our advancing years, doing all we can do to think, feel and look younger, and perhaps forgetting that aging is a natural phenomenon that everyone will experience sooner or later.

Over the last two years, since hopping on the retirement train, I have been forced to re-evaluate my place in the world. A good friend of mine, another Connie, has been sharing what it means to BE our purpose versus doing our work on purpose. Yes, I know this sounds a bit confusing and when I saw the shift from ‘role to soul’ as a sub-title, I knew I had the right phrasing, from playing a role to truly being on purpose in your soul.

The book landed on my doorstep several days later.

The book immediately grabbed my attention with the following questions:

 What does someone experience who finds renewed purpose after ending a long career?

 What attitudes do you hold in regard to aging?

 Are you Ageist?

 And here is the big one: What is it like internally to make a shift from unconscious senior, living in denial, to conscious Elder, living with deep awareness and sharing their gifts?

For any of you reading this, I hope these questions leave you as breathless as they left me. It clearly was time for me to dive into the book, to understand how to grow into a conscious ELDER, to bask in the opportunities that this time of life offers.

What is it like to find renewed purpose following a long career? What changes and shifts? This is where I may be more fortunate than many, for I retired from a twenty-five-year health care career many years ago and began afresh. Being self-employed since that time, has meant retirement has been gradual and at a pace created by me. I have also been engaged in work that I love, so in some ways I never have to retire. And yet new priorities appear and I do not want to be tied down.

My strongest desire in my consulting/coaching work has been to create safe environments for others to define and refine who they are, to be truly authentic with no fear of judgment. My role was facilitator and coach. Now the opportunity is to embody that even further, by being a safe zone, present to people, listening and supporting, not unlike what I have done for years, simply at a deeper level. In simpler form, whatever it is you want to create or offer others, you need to BE it first. While this is a simple formula, it remains challenging. You begin by giving everything you want to offer others to yourself first: respect, kindness, love, compassion, forgiveness, understanding. Yes, it is indeed time to form a new, more uplifting relationship with YOU.

On to the second question – what attitudes do I hold in regard to aging? Am I ageist?

Here is where I believe I earned a gold star. While I had no grandparents growing up, I had plenty of exposure to older people. My mother was head nurse at MacDonnell Memorial Hospital, now St. Joseph’s Villa, back in the day and I was expected to volunteer on the weekends she was working. Most of my Sunday afternoons were spent visiting, playing games or chatting with the residents on 2W. These folks of course were there because they were no longer physically or cognitively able to live independently, so my exposure to seniors was biased.

Late in my healthcare career I specialized in geriatrics, studied and taught gerontology. Yes, I would say I have had a good education in the aging domain, but not necessarily with ‘healthy aging’. And of course, now, I am POA for my 95- and 96-year-old in-laws who both have advanced dementia.

All of this, and the way society often portrays growing older, has helped me recognize that I certainly hold certain fears in regard to aging and that I am hesitant to admit that I am 74. Yes, I have many peers of similar age, all of us living life full out. I look to them and my healthy older role models for inspiration.

The Inner Work is about celebrating who I am at this point in my life, celebrating the life I have lived, the experiences I have gained, the adventures I have enjoyed and how this all adds up to ME. Who is this ELDER that I espouse to be? What gifts do I have to offer others today?

And am I ageist? If you had asked me this question a few days ago, I would have responded, “absolutely not!’” Guess what, I am. A few days ago, I met an elderly gentleman at a B&B we were staying at in Stratford. One look and I had him pegged, frail, slow , addled, being coddled by his wife. At breakfast the second day, we began to chat. He shared many of his life experiences, as a physician, minister, researcher, health care administrator…. He was fascinating. Sharp as a tack. Following our conversation, I examined how quickly I had assumed otherwise; I recognized that I am ageist. Time to examine my assumptions and begin to see the Elder versus the old person. Only then can I see the Elder in me.

All of this to say. I am learning a great deal about myself, things that perhaps have previously escaped me including my attitudes about growing older, my fears and what it means to be an Elder. It is an amazing opportunity to release much of the past, some of the beliefs I have held, the expectations to which I have held myself accountable, and the freedom of choice that retirement and this time in my life offers me. It is also a time to reflect on my life experience, with no regrets and to wonder at what accrued wisdom I have as a result. This is after all the notion of being an Elder, a wise one, a sage. A person with knowing and experience who is available to mentor and support others. Indigenous communities revere their Elders. It is time for you and I, those of us classified as ‘seniors;’, to assume our proper place in society, to acknowledge who we are and what we have to offer, and to begin to educate the generations which follow us.

Final Word

Regardless of your age, I encourage you to begin to assess the attitudes you hold toward aging. You may see the vast numbers of ‘baby-boomers’ retiring and taking up space. Perhaps ask what they have to offer you and what you might gain from a conversation, from listening, from exploring life with them.

For those of us already there, it is time for us to appreciate the role we now play in society, that of ELDER and to assess our own ageist attitudes. This is the Inner Work of Aging!

Until Next Time,


Betty Healey, Elder