Consider this as the new year kicks off, setting intentions that honor who you are and celebrate the uniqueness that makes you, YOU. Better than resolutions, and a nod up from goals, intentions are designed to help you to be clear about who you are, who you aspire to be and what you wish to attract without being fixed on a specific outcome. Setting intentions is more challenging than you think, as you and I are programmed to be specific, as in all the training you may have had in setting SMART goals. What I have learned from setting intentions is that possibilities open up, opportunities that may not have even crossed your mind.
A Step Back
Twenty years ago, as I was exploring how to become a better writer, I embarked on a trip to Taos, New Mexico to attend a week-long writer’s retreat with author and writing guru Nathalie Goldberg. It was far more than a writing retreat as I quickly learned; it was a soul baring, emotional, dig deep experience. And it was there that I made acquaintance with three folks, Kerry, Nancy and Larry, who would become my writing partners for the next ten years.
Shortly after Taos, I published my first book, roadSIGNS: Travel Tips for Authentic Living. One of the chapters in the book addressed the question, what would it look like if I married myself? The following excerpt is taken from that book:
I used to feel like I was waiting for someone to discover me, to “produce” me, like (some movie star or performer). Ultimately, I realize the person I was waiting for was myself. If we wait for the world’s permission to shine, we will never receive it. -Marianne Williamson, Return to Love
Goin’ to the chapel and I’m gonna get married…; the refrain of an old song plays in my head as I prepare for an upcoming family wedding.
I have been married now for over 50 years (to the same person). I have been more fortunate than most; my husband and I continue to enjoy one another despite our many years together.
When I take a moment and think back to that day I walked down the aisle, I am in awe of how willing I was to commit myself to spending a lifetime with another person. Although I did not take the commitment lightly, as marriage was, in my view, a life-long contract, I readily vowed to love, cherish and honor this person with all my heart and spirit. Did I really know this other person, and more importantly, was I seasoned enough to really know what I wanted in a life partner?
For the fortunate ones among us, our first choice in a life partner will be a good one. The relationship not only lasts; it flourishes over time. The statistics tell us however, that 50% of relationships fail. Why? Is it that we don’t know what we want in a partner or is it that we don’t know ourselves? More importantly, perhaps relationships fail because we commit to others what we cannot do for ourselves first. When did we vow to love, cherish and honor ourselves, wed ourselves? Imagine starting our adult lives with such a vow. I, Betty, take me Betty, to love and to cherish, to honor and to respect, until death do we part. What would happen if we put ourselves first, honoring the person we are, cherishing our spirit and loving ourselves unconditionally? In what ways would this change or re-direct our lives?
I have decided that it is not too late, that I can choose to marry myself today; to re-connect with the person I have grown into and who continues to change in subtle ways every day; to see the abundance of my gifts and talents; and to celebrate me. I was discussing this with my friend and kindred spirit Kerry Messer many summers ago while we were in Taos, New Mexico on a writer’s retreat. She agreed and in one of her journals she decided to take up the mantle and write her wedding vows. She has kindly allowed me to share them.
My Wedding Vows (by Kerry Messer)
I vow to hold myself in only the highest regard, to not put myself down or in any way demean myself.
I vow to take responsibility for all my actions, but not to take on the responsibility for others’ actions.
I vow to follow my heart and spirit wherever they might take me.
I vow to listen to my heart with stethoscope-like precision and trust my instincts under all circumstances.
I vow to surrender my need for control and to exert my will (no matter how well intentioned) and to let God’s will drive my car through this life like she has in all my past lives.
I vow to be gentle and understanding of myself when I make mistakes.
I vow to forgive myself with grace and ease … to forgive all who have hurt or betrayed me or made mistakes that have affected me.
I vow to wake up every morning walking into the day remembering there is only now.
I vow to remember that I can’t change the past or predetermine the future, but I can make the best choices for my higher good in the many moments of today.
I vow to take care of my body and health as if I was carrying myself as a fetus.
I vow to put no other before myself and my highest good.
In the book Attracting Genuine Love, by Gay and Kathlyn Hendricks, the authors write that the first step in attracting love is to be in love with ourselves. “People who don’t love themselves attract people who don’t love themselves. When you love yourself, deeply and unconditionally and for everything you are and aren’t, you attract people who love themselves. Then your relationships become partnerships on the path of love.”
It is a difficult lesson to learn that we must love, honor and cherish ourselves first. We look to others to give us love, yet even when they do, this love falls on barren ground and cannot take root, for the soil has not been prepared to receive these love seeds. The idea of marrying ourselves first is an important step in self-love, accepting yourself and assuming your own power. Are you willing to do your work, to write your vows and marry yourself first; are you ready to vow to love, cherish, and honor yourself?
Final Thoughts – Why Marriage Vows?
A vow is essentially another form of intention, naming what it is you are willing to commit to, such as to love, cherish or honor but without specifying the form that these things take. Taking the opportunity to live the wedding vows above or to write your own to yourself, provides a limitless opportunity for you to develop self-compassion, self-respect, self-love and self-worth. Always remember that when you offer this to yourself, your ability to offer the same to others expands.
Acknowledgment: A thank you to Kerry Messer for allowing me to share her wedding vows.
Until Next time,
Betty Healey
About the Author
