Men hurt as well

Being co-facilitator of a men’s group has opened my eyes to a lot of things that I recognize in myself; things that I, too, have kept hidden deep inside. Hurt, pain, regret and shame, things locked away in my head and my heart for years. Why?

The simple reason is that I am a man, and society`s expectation is that men shouldn’t show emotions. The more complex reason is that these emotions also require us to look at ourselves and examine our responsibility, if any, in their making.

Our group has shown many men that it is okay to feel these and we have normalized those feelings, that it’s okay to cry, to not be okay, to just be human, to feel and to be felt. We encourage men to acknowledge these emotions, their reality, and then to take the next step and take back responsibility for the lives they are living. We encourage them to reflect on ‘the why’. Maybe they are men who have gone through breakups and walked away, at least superficially, with an ‘on to the next one’ attitude. Reflection in our group allows them to acknowledge their broken and shattered selves and they are encouraged to take a ‘what can I do next’ approach. Self-reflection in this safe space also encourages the participants, if appropriate, to examine the part they might have played in what happened, to take responsibility if needs be, so they can then begin to take back control of their broken lives, to address the shame of being alone again, of possibly having to move back home or move in with a friend. The group is a place to address guilt, to reframe it maybe as regret, to change the ‘should have’ or ’didn’t do’ to a ‘will do differently’ next time, and to understand that there will be a next time and a next chance to make it better, to make them better, to grow.

And what about the kids? What are they going to think of me?

Some group members strive to make themselves better (but not all members do and remain stuck in a pity party, sadly human in this regard as well), they model behaviors that their kids will recognize, and appreciate, and use in their own lives, for good or for bad. The culture of ‘be a man’, of ‘men don’t cry’, of the prevalent ‘suck it up and get over it’ is finally changing. Being a man and being a vulnerable human being do, in fact, coexist. But when another looks at the ‘strong’ man, and thinks he is okay, that other is unable to see the brokenness, the crying alone in his room at night, the longing for what he had and now has lost. The group has taught me things I never knew about men before, about myself, about how breakups can really affect us. I see that men suffer a lot more than women do, if only because pain, shame, guilt, and regret in men are suffered alone; women share these more often. While women suffer many of the same things, men fear talking about them more because they will look weak and unmanly. I have heard so often “I left her” but then find our she left him or asked him to leave, but it is only by admitting your truth can you take back control. Life hurts yet it is so hard for men to admit that is does. But talking about the pain of being human? Yes!

Men do talk and they are better for it.

Stephen Douris ©