Travelling and wintering in Portugal for the past four years has facilitated an interesting exploration for me in regard to whom I travel through life with. Stepping away from life as usual and living abroad for three months, gives one an opportunity to reflect, to examine relationships and to consider the meaning of friendship.
During our first 90 day stay here, we met our downstairs neighbours Carol and Norm. Although encountering them briefly in 2020 when all of us was trying to quell our anxiety about getting home in the midst of the pandemic, the greeting was at a distance, in the parking lot. Three years later we were actually able to sit down and get to know one another. We have since become good friends and look forward to our annual Portuguese meet-ups.
A year after our first 3-month stay, longtime friends Jerry and Sue decided to joined us. We met in 1981 as neighbours in Edmonton. They now live in Nanaimo. It often amazes me that after 40+ years we remain friends with the distance that separates us. Then there is my cousin Debbie and her husband Russ who introduced us to Tavira. Although as cousins, we barely knew each other as children, we ended up going to university together which is also where I met her husband. Okay that relationship stems back to 1970. OMG!
So here we land every year with friends we have made over the years. Each year another couple gets added. This year Jean and Bob from Sarnia have joined our circle. It is true that I find it easy to meet people. I enjoy learning about others, always have. On the other hand, as an introvert, friendship to me really means something much deeper than a simple ‘I know you’. It is more than an acquaintance; it is not superficial; it is a mutual interest and exchange that goes deeper than the surface. Friendship is intimate, supportive, respectful, loyal; it is a person I trust, confide in and look to for advice.
I am also acutely aware that over a lifetime relationships change, some last, some don’t. I subscribe to the philosophy that some friends are for a season, some for a reason, and some for a lifetime. The seasonal ones have been numerous. Having lived and worked in various locations over a lifetime, many friendships have been geographic. Once you move, there is not enough thread to keep the seams together. people move on, they grow in different directions, their interests change. The relationship runs out of steam.
Then there are the relationships for a reason. These I believe occur as significant life AHA’s; simply said, this person is here to teach you something. It can be a loving and caring lesson or it can be a tough one. Sometimes the friendship ends by mutual agreement, sometimes it doesn’t. Sometimes a person fires you from their life (yes this has happened!) and sometimes you fire them. Sometimes you get hurt. And that as we say is the risk of relationships. In the end, I believe you are always better for knowing someone if you learn from what has happened.
Then of course there are the lifelong friendships. These are in many ways life sustaining, your ‘go to peeps’ who are by your side in all sorts of circumstances. They know how to support you, hold you up and challenge you. You grow and learn together, you laugh and cry together. They are your safety net; they are your chosen family. They may live next door, down the street or across the country. Geography is no barrier.
Years ago, I read a wonderful book called Anam Cara, which is Celtic for soul mate. In that book John O’Donohue writes the following:
“One of the tasks of true friendship is to listen compassionately and creatively to the hidden silences. Often secrets are not revealed in words, they lie concealed in the silence between the words or in the depth of what is unsayable between two people. … The depth and substance of a friendship mirrors itself in the quality and shelter of the silence between two people.”
This quote reminds me that friendship is not simply being together; it is not about conversation and exchanging words; it is about being present to others, asking questions, listening, being in their space, understanding and being understood, seeing and being seen.
Relationships can either sustain us or drain us. Sometimes we are a poor judge of character and find ourselves attracted to people who claim to be our friends but who disappear in foul weather. Other times we are drawn to people who are loving and caring and accept us, warts and all, for exactly who we are, and accompany us for a lifetime. We also begin to realize that it is important to discern which friends we wish to travel with and share our time with.
On Friendship
I was not always careful in choosing my friends. I grew up with few friends due to family circumstances. As a result, as an adult, I wanted to be liked by everyone and was undiscerning in whom I chose to attract. This led to many hiccups, lots of mistakes and more than enough ego shattering moments. I share this as I believe friendship is a sacred alliance, that we need to choose our travel companions carefully, not randomly. Over a lifetime I have learned to choose my friends with more care and to understand the importance of also having boundaries.
You may wish to consider some of same questions I ask myself:
- Who do you choose to spend time with?
- What is the quality of your adult relationships?
- Do you ever take time to assess how you spend your time and with whom?
Adult friendships are an important part of your life. As I wrote above, I do not refer here to acquaintances. Friendship, in this context, is founded on a deeper sense of knowing another person and caring for them unconditionally. They are people you chose to spend quality time with, who share a part of themselves with you; whom you can confide in and trust. It is a relationship where both parties are fully present for one another. A healthy view is having a network of acquaintances and a circle of friends. The circle is an intimate space of safety, sharing and understanding.
Allowing yourself to experience friendship in this way, means inviting these friends to be with you body, mind and spirit; special individuals who choose to share their personal journey with you and you with them. You see the potential in one another and challenge each other accordingly. You know you are safe to be yourself, because the relationship is based on “loving intention”, unconditional love and compassion for one another. You are invested in one another’s success in living on purpose.
Final Word
Make a choice to draw others to you in an intentional way. Know who these people are, the people you would like to have in your life. Decide that you can attract to you the kind of people who make you feel good about yourself, whom you can enjoy and relax with. These are the friends who support you and whom you can support in return; the ones who nurture your spirit; who respect and honour who you are without trying to change you. The friends who hold the mirror up for you, and reflect back to you the limits of your current path and choices. Those who challenge you to confront your fears and to live from love. Those who help clear the path when the going gets tough but who are also willing to throw plops of manure in your way to force us to reconsider a choice.
In her book Return to Love, Marianne Williamson describes friendships as “assignments, part of the journey to inner knowing”. We are in each other’s lives in order to help one another assess and learn from life’s lessons, to challenge one another to release life’s wounds and heal and to support one another in the process. Whether your life partner, a friend, a family member, a work colleague, even a family pet, a true friend is there to both support and challenge you, serve as a mentor or coach, and help you navigate the twists and turns in this journey of life.
Until Next Time
Betty Healey
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