Just down the street from where I used to live, one of my neighbours posted the sign “Cat Crossing”. The first time I saw it, I was reminded a book by Warren Bennis called “Herding Cats”. Of course, the notion that we could even herd cats is a ridiculous one, as those of us who have lived with them know. They have a mind anda will of their own.
When it comes to people though, we seem to think that not only can we shape the beliefs and habits of others; we consider it our moral obligation. Certainly, this applies to raising children or grooming a spouse.
Our oldest nephew Owen quickly rescripted this flawed thinking for all of us, rendering the idea of “herding people” as equally ridiculous. From the time Owen found his own voice, he could be heard saying, with great determination, “you are not the boss of me!”
This is not exactly what his parents wanted to hear, but those of you who have pitted your will against that of your child, know that indeed, you are not the boss of them. The best possible outcome is that you are a “guide on the side”, coaching them forward, offering advice, or teaching them right from wrong. But in the end the only person who can be the boss of anyone is himself or herself; YOU are the only one at the helm of your own life.
For many of us, this lesson, being the boss of one self, comes late. We learn early to blame others for life’s circumstances, avoiding the truth that we and only we are responsible for the life we are leading. I am certainly guilty. I was in my mid-twenties before I discovered that I was the boss of me. The great AH-HA! Moment occurred during a retreat called People Searching Inward. This was my first foray into the inner world of self. I was already searching for greater meaning in my life. The experience was like waking up for the first time, realizing that I was one hundred percent responsible for defining my life and creating my reality in this world. It was huge, for it meant divesting myself of a suit of armor, built from the metal of blame, that I had worn for a very long time.
In her monthly magazine Oprah Winfrey closes with her column “What I Know for Sure”. This always causes me to wonder what I know for sure and this is what I have discovered:
- I am the one and only boss of me.
- There is no one to blame for my circumstances or my choices but me.
- The only person in the world who can change me is me.
- It is not my job, nor can I, change others.
- When I see the truth of me – recognize my strengths and my uniqueness – I manifest these more fully in my life.
- When I honour myself, I encourage others to do the same; I serve as a positive role model.
The idea that “I am the one and only boss of me” is both empowering and frightening. There is a moment in life when most of us realize that we are accountable and responsible for the quality of our life, both our successes and perceived failures, how we live, our relationships, and so on. The AH-HA moment, when we own responsibility for ourselves, is the first major step in taking back our own power. It is also the first step in learning how to live the life we choose.
Many of us come from painful pasts. I am no exception. Growing up with an alcoholic father was, on most occasions a nightmare. I blamed him for not having close friends as I was growing up, for my timidity in public, for finding comfort in food and being overweight, and for most of the other woes in my life. Releasing this blame, something I continue to this day, has allowed me to breathe and open the gate to healing and forgiveness. I have come to embrace my past with gratitude, for it is my childhood experiences that allow me to have great compassion for others and to do the work I do.
In her book, I Thought We’d Never Speak Again – The Road from Estrangement to Reconciliation, Laura Davis states that we come to a crossroads in our life when our focus naturally shifts to the present; when we recognize the price of holding on to a painful past.
If you agree that you are the one and only boss of you, then ask,
- What is the price of holding on to a painful past?
- Is it a price you want to continue to pay?
- How is your past holding you back, preventing you from occupying your days in the present moment?
I invite you to take a closer look at who and what in your life you are blaming and how these thoughts are holding you captive, preventing you from inhabiting your days fully and authentically.
Final Thoughts
Understand that you are free.
Know that only YOU can choose the path YOU wish to follow.
It is easy to blame others or circumstances for the things that happen in our life. You may believe that others are determining the direction you are taking or placing the obstacles in your way. You invest energy into emotions such as anger, envy, why me? Unfortunately, blame only defers responsibility. You fail to learn the lessons you are being called to learn.
When you understand that you are free to make choices and to assume self-responsibility for your life journey, you release the negative energy that keeps you in low gear. It is time to examine where in your life you are not taking responsibility and to understand the consequences. It is time to release anger and blame, and to accept that you are free to choose your own authentic path.
Until next time, Betty Healey
About the Author
