Lying in a hospital bed, I came to the realization that I needed boundaries, with the hardest part of that being the actual setting up of them.
I must admit that I have learned the hard way … a work in progress I am. In the past, whenever someone wanted something from me, I would never say “No”, which was great for them but a lot of time not so good for me.
Doing things just because someone else asks or wants you to is rarely the best reason for yourself, though it does work for them . You must also want to help, when the help is needed.
I have a sister who has refused to speak to me in over forty years, and it hurts but I’ve learned how to control that hurt. Recently though, she has been having health issues, and I learned of these when my niece contacted me to tell me that she was not doing well. Even though so many years had passed, my emotions started to get the better of me as I again thought about her, as I had ruminated over her in these past many years. I was getting messages at least once a week, hearing of her progress and happy to know she was doing better. But, at the same time, I was having health problems of my own (I am lying in a hospital bed after all), problems I chose not to share with my niece as she had enough to deal with.
But a few messages back, I also realized that every message jumped right in with update on her mother, and never even saying “Hello! How are you?” Not wanting to rock the boat, a habit I have, I chose not to say anything, but that changed. Finally, I got upset and told my niece that unless her mother wanted to talk to me, I don’t want the updates about someone who cares nothing for me, about someone who has chosen to ignore me for whatever reason. This was hard for me to do, but for my own wellbeing, it had to be done … a protective boundary set up.
I am learning how to say “No”, I am seeing how it affects others, and the looks of disbelief I get says it all, kind of like “Stephen never says no, and yet he just did!” When you start to set your boundaries, the freedom it gives you is incredible, the ability to choose your own path rather than having that path chosen for you by others who stand to benefit. Hard, but oh so freeing.
It has taken me far too long to step forward and say no, I don’t want to do that. I will continue to help those in need, that is who I am, but I am now also choosing things that bring me personal satisfaction. I am actively trying to stop being a ‘people pleaser’ and suggest that for a fuller, more satisfying life, for others to stand up for themselves, take control, and choose your own boundaries. It is quite freeing, not to be always doing the bidding of others. Writing these columns, for example, brings me pleasure, because I want to write them, not because I have to.
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